Pandora's Box

Why havent I written anything in awhile? I guess I could say I was uninspired, or too busy - but I suppose the truth is, Im scared that if I start, I wont be able to stop. The flood gates would open, and I'd need twelve of Noah's Arks to ensure survival. So for now, Im just going to continue to sweep the dirt under the carpet. Smudge the cigarette ash into the grains of my grey carpet. And perhaps, this dam will eventually dry up - and then indifference will be bliss.

Being disappointed by friends is traumatic. Surely friends dont gossip (Im talking harmful, hurtful gossip)? Or judge? And yet for the first time I found myself being told that I need to explain myself or else these so-called friends will continue to think this way. Surely something is wrong here? Or am I naive?

Excuse my french - but fuck em.

Im bigger than this.

I wonder, If I had to disappear, how long before anyone (besides my parents) would notice Im gone?

Would the person who is making ALL THAT NOISE in my head please shut up.

I am an independent woman.                                                                                                                                 

I am a strong woman.

I am a beautiful woman.

I am a shooting star.

Fleeting.

Bright.

Spectacular.

I am everything I want to be.

I am everything I hope to be.

I am my dreams,

and my worst fears.

I am, I want, I WILL

I have a blind date on Friday. I have been pretty nonchalant about it - but today I have hit panic mode.

What will I wear? Its lunch on Friday, so I will be in work attire. That means I will probably look creased and washed out by 1pm. Not to mention sweaty and harassed. Maybe I should go home first, change into a fresh pair of work clothes and THEN go? Im thinking pencil skirt, heels and pin-straight hair.

Then there is the actual date. I have to be interesting, funny, captivating, not to mention look like a vixen. (See previous paragraph).

What if we have nothing to talk about?

What if I dribble sauce down my top?

What if he looks like a complete ogre and can barely string two sentences together?

Oh my God......what if it actually works out?

My weekends usually consist of drinking, partying, and  then recovering from the drinking/partying. I spend most of Monday and Tuesday getting my body back to "normal", and the rest of the week trying to squeeze in everything that I should have done on the weekend.

This is no way to live, and I would like to say that Im turning over a new leaf - in order to live a healthier lifestyle, participate in more enriching activities blah blah. But the truth is, Im bored. Im not going to lie to myself about the weekends......come friday morning I am already dreaming of something to quench my thirst. I will however start doing things a little differently.

 For example, Friday WILL be reserved for after work drinks. For meeting up with friends so you can catch up on the week. But there is no reason to have to scrape my face off the floor before I go home :)

Saturday and Sunday will be reserved for golf, photography, gymn and spending time with the family. My new hobbies really are activities that Im passionate about. If the mood strikes me, maybe I'l do some shaking of this fine booty every once in awhile. (Must remember to take into account financial standing at that piont).

Mondays are for dealing with the week ahead, for psyching myself up, for planning and strategising (workwise that is).

Tuesdays are for exercise. (see post coming up on first dance class)

Wednesdays are for exercise!

Thursdays are for photo school, and then exercise! once photoschool is done.

And we back at Friday again......lets see how it goes?

As when I experience things, I say them out in my head - like Im reading the pages of an interesting novel. And its sounds ok, not bad - like something you want to read. My problem is - if I don't have a pen and paper at hand, these wonderful thoughts slip through like water in your hands. And since I do most of my thinking whilst driving or in the shower, I see no viable solution.

Luckily, it has been only been a few hours since I had thoughts that were compelling enought to commit to paper (or screen?). I was driving home after a pretty average day. It was another sweltering hot day, the kind where the road looks like its melting and people look dry and washed out. Clouds began to slowly envelop the sky, and thankfully, it started to rain. The sun, still bright and combative, broke out through a gap in the sky. Amongst bumper to bumper traffic and hordes of people scarmbling for taxis, the sight was quite breathtaking. The raindrops danced on my windscreen, energised by the rays of sunlight. Strong and rythmic. Perfectly timed to the music.. Romantic even. Silver screen stuff. 

I could think only of you.

Lately, when going to some clubs, or maybe a 21st birthday party I've felt a liitle too old. A little stale amoungst the young, fresh bodies girating on the dancefloor. On saturday I went to a party where I felt like I was too young! I did not have little tots in tow, either eating, screaming or excreting copious amounts of snot. Neither was I a proud grandparent beaming at the six year old while he demolished a very carefully put together centre piece.

But once I got over just how many kids were at this 1st birthday party (how many friends can a one year old have??), and I was given my duty as face painter for the afternoon - I realised just how much fun I was having. Firstly, given absolute creative authority over what I could paint, I created works of art including batman, spiderman, tinkerbell, and two very happy clowns. Once the novelty of the face painting wore off, I followed the kids to the jumping castle. They have no fear, no inhibitions what so ever. Maybe its not always a good thing, as one little boy found out when he flew off the mat in a wondrous parabolic curve and skidded ever so painfully across the grass and stood up with a mouthful of it, while grinning, then crying and promptly jumping back onto the colourful castle! I spent most of the afternoon, playing and laughing - just being a big stupid kid.

I am being nagged right now by a little bigger kid (my brother), so I will sign off with this quote by Bill Bosby:

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

What a week. A roller coaster ride of emotions. This morning alone I felt sad, relieved, sad again, scared, uncertain.

The threat of retrenchments has been looming for weeks now, and finally they told us that this week, they would be letting 40 people go. Phone calls and announcements are being made as we speak. I got the worst news this morning, when my manager was asked to leave. And then my director.

I do most of my thinking while driving, or in the shower. And this morning, on my way back from the south - I had plenty time to ruminate. Chew the cud. It was bitter tasting.

Yes so its just a job. Just something you do to earn a living. A good living. hopefully. I beg to differ. I've only been working for two years, and so fairly wet behind the ears. I hear most people complain about their jobs, or bosses or fellow colleagues. I love my job. I have an amazing management team. I had an amazing management team. We are talking about two people who have been a very big part of my life for two years. Who decided, that after 6months out of varsity, they were going to give me my own portfolio to manage. And were completely confident from the beginning that I would not fail at any task I was given. In fact - it was probably their faith in me that got me through one of the most stressful six months of my life.

So all in all, it really has been a week of goodbyes. We are down to a skeleton staff. Things are going to be tough.

And yeah, Im safe - I still have my job.